Monday [Off the Record]

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I have deleted the last 2000 words I wrote up about 6 different topics. I do not know why, but I simply cannot focus on a single one of them and elaborate like I used to. I am not entirely sure what is wrong with me, so I made this post instead. I have nothing interesting to say, but read on if you must.

It’s Monday, and I’m back at this job. It’s amazing, don’t get me wrong, not to mention it pays rather well. However,  at this point I’m not entirely sure where all of my time is going towards. I must admit, I used to have this empty feeling of not knowing where I would end up, and what I would turn out doing in the volatile future. I still have that feeling sometimes, but I have long dedicated myself to live the world. Perhaps it is because I’m too scared to think that some day I might lose this freedom, that the responsibilities of the world, of myself and those who matter, will tie me down. I want to enjoy what I have to the fullest, but somehow I cannot bring myself to do so. I cannot say that I have been too terribly productive lately, as I have neglected on updating a significant amount projects. I am certainly capable of doing so, but why am I not? Why am I procrastinating for no damn reasons?

Funny, I’m one of those people that find sleeping extremely boring, and actively try to steer away from doing it unless absolutely necessary. I still keep a decently healthy lifestyle, but that does not mean I don’t resent everything about it. Life gets increasingly boring, and I find myself more and more unable to get out of a daily routine, despite loving every moment that I do not conform to it. I might be a rebel at heart, but sometimes I wonder if my heart really is that strong. A nagging feeling always reside at the back of my head, telling me that I’m screwing up something, that I don’t deserve what I have, as if that somehow matters. Perhaps it’s the feeling of insecurity that engulfs me sometimes, although none of my acquaintances would ever agree. Time is strange.

I suppose I have nothing better to do but to ramble on.

Picture taken from here


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