I was a rather difficult kid growing up. It’s mostly due to my constant need of attention, along with foolish pride developed at a young age. I’m not at all saying that these aspects have changed years after, but they definitely have retracted quite a bit in showing. I no longer have petty qualms with those around me, rather seek to better my own sanity by displaying a smile and moving on with my life. It has been a much easier way to live, at least for the past year or so, when I don’t have to get into a shouting match with my mother every time we meet. Or my sister, or any member of my immediate family now that I think about it. Quite the interesting household we contributed to. So now things are a lot more peaceful, and being amongst my peers at all time, in a country like this, have made me quite soft when it comes to a lot of things.
I hate that.
I don’t know who or what I’m screaming to, but where is everything? Is everyone around me so chill because they’re just genuinely really happy people all of the time, or are they simply participating in this facade I’ve unfortunately fallen into as well? Worse yet, it has even reached my attitude on the internet, somewhat. I’m no longer combative when it comes to text, and honestly a lot of the time I feel like I can’t care anymore. Sure, I have gotten quite a bit less angry, but also increasingly more complacent to the truly horrendous things that people feel the need to utter out of their mouth or on a keyboard. Where is my unyielding zeal of old, calling people out on their bullshit at every turn, making enemies everywhere I go? I was , as one can imagine, rather unpopular back then within the larger circle, but I never cared. If I’m always the asshole with the brains but also the giant superiority complex, I know that anyone who is willing to be my friend is worth the effort. Now all I have is people whose names and faces will be drown out as soon as they remove themselves from my presence.
A bit of immediate history. A few months back, when I was still in college, I had a class with this girl. She was a very passionate person, who was willing to cut me off at every point in order to get her word in. She was also hard-working and ambitious, relative to the rest of the population. Yeah, we argued quite a bit, and our clash of ideals were also of terrifyingly hilarious proportions. She was a right-leaning, dedicated white girl with a strong sense for modern feminism, who also happens to like kids and crowds. I might as well be the exact opposite. However, it was simply thrilling to talk to her, knowing that if the moment arose we would just spas out and be at each other’s throat until one admits defeat or circumstances stood an obstacle. It reminded me of my old glory, when cope-out is just something that I would never do, and my teachers can attest fully to that. They don’t hate me though, at least those I frequently had quarrels with.
That brings me to my larger point. I in no way dislike my family, despite the fact that the hours of harmony between us were few and far between. In fact, dare I say it, I love them. They were passionate people. They might be wrong, but at least they gave a shit. I simply know the people I have verbal spars with, how they formed their opinions as a person, and who are they in general. Just saying ‘ok’ with a smile and walk away is easy, and it’s what I’m seeing everywhere now. I’m guilty of it, from time to time. Apparently it’s part of being ‘mature’, also known as the code of conducts for people who no longer hold any flames or meaningful desires, and seek nothing but to live life and complete their immediate tasks. Being honest, I no longer hold as much flare right now as I do back then, but I’m wise enough to know why. It’s about growing up. It’s about taking in reality. It’s about being absorbed into whatever burning pot we all suddenly found ourselves in. It’s complacent, and I despise it.
I don’t call for war. I don’t necessarily care for the slaughter of millions, but more and more we feel less inclined to give out the earnest truth. ‘Seek out to the truth’ is the lesson I learned from that game I loved so much, and honestly it brings tears to my eyes. No one ever chooses that. We are expected to move on, to live with the status quo, ride the waves of life until our time runs out and we dry off. Not everyone falls into it, and they are the few truly memorable people, not necessarily good ones though. We rather shower ourselves in ignorance, take shelter in our familiar circles, until everything is all but drained away. The majority lives like the majority, the syntax just makes it all the more depressing.
I used to think I was above that.
Perhaps it was the ironic naivety of youth within me, or because I actually had every reason to believe that. They say I should stop caring about unfathomable statements made at my expenses, and gradually I have adapted to do so. I grew tired of the constants battle, of the tiredness my mind was experience everyday. I no longer had the vitality to follow up with everything I used to care about, to so brazenly defend what I believe in with the love I used to display to the truth. I now lead a calmer, more relaxing life. I no longer am the angry person on the internet, bothered by the sheer ineptitude of those I come across.
But maybe that’s all I was.
The picture belongs to iconarchive.