Time [Off the Record]

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Time. Time never changes? Or does it?

I never thought I would actually get around to do an Off the Record. I’m still a relatively young person. I haven’t seen things others have, haven’t heard things others have and haven’t said things others have. I wish that could protect me from feeling greatly nostalgic all the time, and cursing myself for not being able to grasp the wellness of that moment. I should have lived those times, so that I hold no regret. Of course, I was perfectly aware of this at the time, and that was a load of horse crap.

I woke up at 6, in the morning, mind you; and realised I just had a dream. Those aren’t so rare any more, funnily enough. They come around occasionally to make my subconscious feel like hell. In that dream, I was reminded of a time where I could just get out of school, abandon all of my responsibilities and game with friends for 8 hours straight. It was a good time, and it will never happen again. The time which I’ve lost is forever gone, and I’m better off. Why? Well, because 15 minutes after feeling like my last 2 years living have been nothing but a giant fluke, I remembered that I actually want to live rational. Yes, those time before was good and all, in their own unique way, however, I wasn’t happy back then. At least not to the extent I am now. I was constantly needing social attention, whether it be the guys I play video games with or the girls I confide in. It’s because life was fucking boring and miserable. Indeed, those 8 hours every day doesn’t make me forget that every hour leading up to that point was simply undesirable in many ways. I dreaded the weekends to, because I never could go anywhere under my parent’s supervision. I just like being nostalgic and being reminded of the fact that I’m doing something wrong with my life. Back then, I wanted to grow up, to become independent.

Now, I’m working a well-paid job at a well-respected firm in a well-developed country. Everyone around me speaks the language I want to speak, do the things I thought they would and react the ways I expect them to. I had freedom like I’ve never had before, and probably more than I ever will at this rate. However, I still feel like utter crap the bloody lot of the time. If I ever had a chance to guess, a few years from now I will be reminiscing back to these days and felt like I had it good before. I would probably win that bet, but unfortunately winning money from myself really doesn’t make things better. Why then? Why do I continuously get what I want through my effort and luck, yet are never enjoying life? Sure those moments of brilliance at work or the drinks I shared with my friends were nothing short of a good time, but I still wake up every day hating life. It’s something I have noticed long ago, but have never been able to do anything about. What else do I have to do? Is it because I’m alone? Perhaps, but if what happened with my exs are anything to go by, I’m going to end up feeling even more like shit after it all ends. I suppose no one wants to be hurt, and I just no longer want to put myself out there so easily again.

What do I do now? Funny, I would figure being rich, young, fit and single in California would do something to help my mood. Never mind that I suppose.

Well that was boring. I don’t even know why you read through any of this. Do something else, really.

Picture Source: I’m pretty sure I violated some kind of license

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